Can anyone remember the last time we saw Lindsay Lohan do anything for her actual career? Drinking enough Vodka and Red Bull to sweep away the memories of I Know Who Killed Me doesn’t count.

So here she is in all her melanoma speckled glory for some Visa credit card commercial thingie. Is this some trade off because she can’t pay her bills? The higher the debt the more clothing you have to shed? Just be thankful that she’s not any deeper in the hole or else we might be seeing the full on burnt fried egg on a nail action that lurks beneath that Value Village blazer she’s rocking. She looks like she got caught banging Gordon Gekko and had to escape out the window.

After Academy Award winning actress Tatum O’Neal was busted buying crack cocaine a few evenings ago, she explained her actions thusly:

At the time of her arrest, O’Neal allegedly told cops she was “doing research” for a film role, but she has now changed her story, claiming her dog’s death three weeks ago “set her off.” She tells the New York Post, “There’s no excuse for what I did. (But) I lost my Scottish terrier, Lena. That seemed to set me off. “She got old. She got cancer. She was the fabric of our family. We had to let her go to heaven. My daughter and I had to put her down. It was too horrible for words. “I couldn’t get out of it. I was going to my psychiatrist. I was doing everything I could do. I have the disease of alcoholism. It’s lifelong. I treat it every day by going to my 12-step program.”

That was her excuse? The dog? I mean, I love animals and not just the tasty ones but Tatum has to be the only person over the age of seven to use the Doggie Defense to justify naughty behaviour. Blaming Sparky’s preference for spiral bound notepaper over Alpo might be ok for getting you off the hook for not doing homework but “the dog drove me back to the crack” just sounds like something that, well, you know. A crackhead would say. Tyrone down on the corner is shaking his head right now in disbelief at this story and this is someone I saw trying to sell his socks earlier to get rock money.

If I was making pasta and someone came along and said “Hey, do you mind if we use this pot of boiling water to drown Rachael Ray?” I would gladly ditch my apron and go hungry for the rest of the night because nothing is more offensive to me than this woman. From her Tuna Oreo Hot Dog Butter Casserole Topped With Potato Chip Crusted M&Ms recipes to her wow-do-you-smoke-cigarettes-or-eat-them rasp of a voice, she angers me to the point that I can’t even walk down the snack food aisle for fear of her Joker like face jumping out at me from a packet of Wheat Thins. This is why this bit of news delights me:

Dunkin Donuts has pulled a Rachael Ray ad where she appears to be wearing a keffiyeh, a traditional headdress worn by Arab men and, more recently, a fashion accessory, due to opposition from those who see the scarf as a symbol and representation of support for Palestinian terrorism. Now the world is safe from a black and white paisley scarf-donning Rachael Ray.

OMG, I totally saw the bad guy in Iron Man rocking one of those! I hope someone totally attacks her on the street for offending them. Anyone who tries to copyright the term “just eyeball it”* deserves to die of a horrible death. Maybe feed her all her own food until she has a coronary.

*True Story! Google It!

Somewhere Cameron D
Is Crying On Her Pillow
“Why Is That Not Me?”

Something tells me there won’t be any s’mores and campfire stories in Mrs. Cruise’s future. Scientology Camp is is probably less about making friendship bracelets and more about auditing the demons that dwell within by drinking lots of oil and sitting in a hot room. Don’t believe me? Google it, bitches.

“It included various tests, confession sessions, tons of reading and physically challenging purification processes,” a Scientology insider reveals. “Tom insists that auditing and purification practices are incredibly beneficial to Scientologists at all levels.” Katie’s intensive Scientology training and treatments have been accelerated in recent weeks, says another source, because she wanted to go to New York City without Tom to star in a Broadway play. But Tom stepped in and put the kibosh on her plans. And now Katie’s been going in for a series of intensive auditing sessions, some which have lasted for 36 hours straight — with little sleep or food.

Look, I know Mad Money was a total bust but is this where she’s at in her life? A few ugly tabloid covers and a wild hair up her ass about a week or two alone in NYC sans husband results in a forced sweat lodge visit accompanied by salad dressing ingredients? Oy.